Saying “Gender is fake so how are people trans?” is like saying “Money is fake so how are people poor?” Like as much as we facetiously say gender is fake, “social construct” is not synonymous with “fake”
“Eventually you can’t help but figure out that, while gender is a construct, so is a traffic light, and if you ignore either of them, you get hit by cars. Which, also, are constructs.”
the whole “lend someone a thing to show that you like them” thing is so stressful. i lent this person my FAVORITE book that i’d marked up and annotated all of the good shit in. my library NEEDS that book, it is incomplete without it. and it’s a tiny book but they are my FAVORITE person right now so i can’t be like “hey bud, how’s the book going, you done? can i have it back?”. I’m considering buying another copy
Fucking
for the first time in forever i know i have a good chance of fucking this week and it feels so great i have to document it here
1. queer anarchist that i organize with
2. hippie girl from a commune, hs friends cousin
3. cool anarcho-communist activist girl who also has issues
i only fuck with leftists
i’m sorry to everyone i’ve ever been trash to or made uncomfortable, i was just trying to make it through. that’s obviously not an excuse and i’m still a garbage can of a human being for making my friends feel that, but….i don’t know. i don’t have an excuse. bad feelings are not an excuse for anything. i’m sorry. i was looking for anything. i’m sorry. i was sad. i hope this makes it out to everyone. i’m sorry. i almost got into a fight with my best friend tonight. it seems like i become a literal garbage can of a human being on a regular basis. i am regularly a terrible person because i get sad and look for anything that might justify it or possibly give my life meaning. im sorry. i think i just miss vida. that’s no excuse, i’m sorry. i don’t know. i’m sorry. i don’t know what to do. i alienated three of my all time closest friends by making clumsiest, most awkward sexual/quasi-romantic advances on them because i wanted to feel something. sorry, especially if they see this. i don’t know what i’m going to do tonight. it seems like i regularly turn into a sad trash can. i don’t know. i’m sorry.
tonight i remembered that 1. my sadness is cyclical. depression is inevitable for me. and 2. when i get sad i end up hurting the people i care about or at the very least making them resent me. people don’t want to associate with me anymore. i don’t know if it’s all worth it anymore to be quite honest. i haven’t felt proper passion since Vida. politics was good for a while, i loved feeling like I was making a difference but now, even that’s starting to dull. I don’t have the money to stay high every weekend anymore
after she first told me she kind of ~like liked~ me, I was happier than I’d ever been, for a week straight. the first time we kissed was the best night of my entire life. when she told me she was not going to stop talking to her ex, i nearly jumped in front of the bus that was supposed to take us back to school. id attempted suicide before, but it was the first time that i would’ve rather ceased existing then continue experiencing. the first time i saw her after she left, my heart literally stopped beating. i don’t mean that figuratively. i was working at a shitty corporate coffee shop and i looked up from a pot of dark roast to her pale round face framed perfectly by those dark curls that came two inches past her shoulders, she said “oh…hey, how are you?” and I swear on everything that i hold sacred that my heart stopped moving for at least five seconds. it sounds short, but it’s eternity when the world‘s stopped. ever since then, i’ve just wanted to feel like that again. I just want to fucking feel that deeply, that experience is real beauty. i want those strong emotions. those overwhelming feelings meant the world to me, and they still do. i don’t want to live in a world where i don’t feel them. i’m afraid they’re only a product of youth. i think it’s actually over
i’m sorry to everyone i’ve ever been trash to or made uncomfortable, i was just trying to make it through. that’s obviously not an excuse and i’m still a garbage can of a human being for making my friends feel that, but….i don’t know. i don’t have an excuse. bad feelings are not an excuse for anything. i’m sorry. i was looking for anything. i’m sorry. i was sad. i hope this makes it out to everyone. i’m sorry. i almost got into a fight with my best friend tonight. it seems like i become a literal garbage can of a human being on a regular basis. i am regularly a terrible person because i get sad and look for anything that might justify it or possibly give my life meaning. im sorry. i think i just miss vida. that’s no excuse, i’m sorry. i don’t know. i’m sorry. i don’t know what to do. i alienated three of my all time closest friends by making clumsiest, most awkward sexual/quasi-romantic advances on them because i wanted to feel something. sorry, especially if they see this. i don’t know what i’m going to do tonight. it seems like i regularly turn into a sad trash can. i don’t know. i’m sorry.
tonight i remembered that 1. my sadness is cyclical. depression is inevitable for me. and 2. when i get sad i end up hurting the people i care about or at the very least making them resent me. people don’t want to associate with me anymore. i don’t know if it’s all worth it anymore to be quite honest. i haven’t felt proper passion since Vida. politics was good for a while, i loved feeling like I was making a difference but now, even that’s starting to dull. I don’t have the money to stay high every weekend anymore